Thursday, December 3, 2009

Pondering the Deep Pool

A lot to think about.

The further along I move on my spiritual journey, the deeper the sense of believing in God the All-mighty. Perhaps one of my biggest blocks towards a fruitful life is fear. I’ve gotten better at letting it go and putting my focus on God’s power and sovereignty, but I still trip over fear now and then. It remains a work in progress.

At a recent Bible study session, the topic of marriage and divorce came up in the Book of Matthew. Understanding that divorce is always disliked by God is easy; it is less than what God intended for marriage. Thinking that abuse is not grounds enough for a divorce is difficult. The abused should make every effort to protect themselves, and others in the situation whom cannot protect themselves, as in children, but to not divorce the abuser sounds…. I have no words.

Logically, I can understand; that’s the only way I can understand it, not having been abused myself. So logically, or maybe it’s faithfully, I can only say it this way: I believe in almighty God whom can change the heart of any man and any woman. One never knows what God will do in the life of the abuser, but I also know that hope doesn’t always come easy. It’s a lousy situation.

I have this great fear that… I’m praying God gets me through this. It’s something that has always been with me since I was very young, since I can remember. It’s followed me through my faith. I’m trying to get to that point where I can say, “God, if this takes my life, so be it for your glory.” I’m not talking about suicide exactly, that’s not what I mean. I’m talking about carrying my cross.

Am I willing to bear my cross if it will mean that God uses me to build up the young adults? What happens to them and those they could reach if I don’t? This goes to the question of how can I be sure that this specific group is who God is calling me to minister to? I was sure before, but not so much now. Couldn’t God raise up someone else? Is someone so unstable the right person to lead anyone?

Wasn’t I saying that I believe in almighty God?

I need a lot of encouragement. I’m getting some and I need to appreciate that more. I’m overly critical of myself. I put too much unnecessary pressure on myself that I’m not enjoying things as I should.

And I would give it all to change the heart of one person.

I’ve gotten over one hurdle and the next one seems even larger. I suppose on top of everything else, life after giving up a dream is… brutal. Life could have been worse. I have all I need. Why do I want so much more?

Confusing, I know. I get it.