Friday, October 23, 2009

Untitled [10.23.09]

Today’s Focus episode was “When Your Dream Dies.” It was the creator of Veggietales, Phil, telling his story. It was a little like Job and a lesson about Abraham and Isaac. I think it was something I needed to hear, but I just heard Phil, literally minutes ago, so time will tell.

God had put a ministry on my heart. He told me to do it. But now I cannot, not in the initial capacity at which God commanded. What happened?

I’m still trying to figure it out. I don't even know if it was MY dream at all, which then that part of Phil's story doesn't really apply.

I know I made mistakes in trying to figure out how to carry out God’s plan. I don’t see how I made such grievous mistakes towards man as to warrant such…breaking. God doesn’t call perfect people. He calls willing people. I was willing to go through it. Or was I?

I know part of my mistake was that somewhere I started to operate more on fear than on God. What was I afraid of? All the attention. It seemed like everyone was focused on me, all the success and all the failure that was to come, on me. It's not so much that I was under pressure, I needed some of that GOOD pressure. But some people weren't seeing that I was doing God's work that I wanted to do because I love Him. That was bad, unnecessary pressure. They were focused on what I was doing, not what God was doing, and I let it distract me.

It was God’s dream but as soon as man opposed it, I let the opposition distract me. So God took it away from me. I feel like man didn’t give me a chance to be the leader I needed to be and now I won’t have that chance, at least, not with this ministry it seems. It’s not so much that I need to be the leader, I didn’t want to be the leader, but that it was God’s plan to grow me as a leader and I let down. So I think He’s given it to someone else.

That’s okay. I trust and believe in this other leader.

But now what do I do? Where do I go? What can I say?

Ministry-wise, I don’t know. It was all so short, so quick. I feel like just playing dead.

Personally, I am trying to heal but I don’t know how. Another mistake I made was that I was counting on someone trusting and believing in me. I wasn’t getting it from that person. I should have kept my focus on God trusting and believing in me.

Finding out that someone didn’t believe in me still hurts. How I found out pains me. I don’t know what to do about it. I have great friends around me, why should one person have such an effect on me?

I’m still in the flinching stage. I don’t like being so sensitive. I’m tired of hurting. I wish I could be healed in a moment, but that’s not how it works, is it?