Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Untitled [10.20.09]

What’s next? I still don’t know. I tried to do something, I did some things, and I failed other things. I’m still kinda angry and guarding against bitterness. I’m tired of talking about it.

I keep wondering if there’s a purpose to the fact that I’ve never had a solid foundational friend group for very long. I have great friends, just individuals. Is it just my lot in life to bounce from group to group? And I’m not saying these things because I don’t care about people. It’s that I know people will be fine without me and I will be okay without them. Sometimes, we're both better apart. That's a tough thing but if it's what is best....

Even those I mentioned in the previous entry, they don’t need me. They have each other and they have God. I have God and I will find others. Maybe I’ve done my job. Maybe I’ve done as much as I can for this group. I got some stuff started for them and they can carry it on their own now.

Wasn’t I just whining about being abandoned? Won’t I be doing the same to what true friends I have in this group? I’m not completely going away. I’ll see them at church. I’ll be a phone call away. I’d transition out as gradually as possible.

But I really don’t know what’s next.

Throwing out some ideas, maybe invest in some old friends whom also need Jesus. I could invest in Curls. Perhaps I could start a canvassing ministry. I could join Blessing in the college ministry on campus. I could make a harder campaign to get into Habitat for Humanity; I LOVE hard labor! I've been missing it greatly.

So it’s not like I wouldn’t have anything to do. And it’s still about what God has for me to do. I just don’t know what more I can do for this group. I believe in the group, I would be leaving them in good hands. They know what to do.

And there’s Pegasus.

Or I could get more intentional about finding a husband and start a family! Yeah, maybe not yet.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m lost.