Sunday, October 18, 2009

Untitled [10.18.09]

I don’t usually post anything on a Sunday, but I need to confess a few things.

I am angry.

I feel trapped.

I can’t see a resolution.

I am having trouble praying.

There is no easy move that I can make.

I feel abandoned. Not by everyone, but I am surprised by the people I feel have abandoned me. I don’t trust them anymore and it hurts to say so. But to tell them what I want to tell them means more pain and hurt.

What I wanted was to get right with God, to grow closer to God, surround myself with people who want the same thing and then to show the unsaved people around us that Jesus makes a real difference.

And now?

People have made assumptions about who I am and they are so very wrong.

I suppose each gift has its grandness and its difficulty. If discernment is my gift, I’m getting its difficulty now. But people don’t want the truth. The truth isn’t ugly, but it often shows us our ugliness.

Now, I don’t know what I want. I feel trapped. I’m beginning to think that to stay where I am would mean to stifle my own spiritual growth. I don’t know.

And this kills because the one person with whom I feel most completely safe and secure... I can’t talk about it.