Saturday, October 17, 2009

Untitled [10.17.09]

I don’t really know what to say. Things aren’t the same. I mean, I know things change and they always will. But this just really sucks.

I’ve never been much on popularity. Overall, I don’t care about people liking me, and it’s been good for me in the sense that it allows me to focus more on pleasing God rather than people. It’s freed me to do the right thing more times than not.

Rejection still hurts though. Uncaring people still hurts. Losing friends still hurts. Getting the sense that I’m the poison in others’ lives still hurts.

I wanted to do something good, something for other people. I wanted to obey something I believed God wanted me to do. But I don’t know how to get people to want that with me. And trying to is just… it’s not working. I’m serious about doing this. I… I just don’t know anymore.

No matter how many times people tell me otherwise, I still feel like an outsider in this group. And this… conflict that’s going on, I don’t see it resolving anytime soon and it’s hurting the ones I do love.

I do try to see the best in people, but right now I’m so very disappointed. I don’t want fakeness. I want honesty, no matter how ugly it may be. I want true relationships. I wanna feel comfortable being myself! I don’t want to be merely tolerated!

I’m thinking about doing something else. I’m praying about it. It’s not what I want to do, but if it’s better for others… I’m thinking about going away. I’m not running away, I just don’t want people to feel like they’re in the middle. I don’t like people being in the middle. So I’m just going to cut my end off and no one has to be in the middle again.

I’m scared. It means missing the ones I love. It means starting all over again. It means having to heal on my own.