Thursday, October 1, 2009

Uncertainty

How much can one person withstand? How many times can one person break and get back up again? By oneself, not much, not very many times.

This past Sunday, the pastor pointed to the story of Abram. In passing, he talked about God telling Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, the beloved son. What is my Isaac? Who is my Isaac? This is what my mind has been on lately.

Before the sermon, the week before, I was already considering a situation to give up to God. I haven’t yet. Then it seemed with the sermon that maybe God was sending me a yes, that’s it, give it up. But another circumstance has come up that… the situation that I was going to give up, I think God is telling me to hold on to it; it’s brought me some understanding and peace. Which brings up a question of how can I know the voice of God versus an imitator?

Can the devil give peace?

The reason why I haven’t given it up is that every time I thought I would, I felt sick inside. When I resolved to keep it, I would feel calm, at peace.
____________________________

I’m not talking about the voice of God here.

I think something sounds one way in my mind and others are telling me that it sounds another way. How much am I supposed to be concerned with that? How much can I control others’ perceptions? How much am I supposed to cater to the others?

It’s not that I don’t care. It’s not that I’m above … and it frustrates me that I can’t say what is … what does it matter? It’s not being heard. That much I know.
____________________________

This isn’t very coherent at all, is it? Well, it seems food is also upset with me at this time. I’d like to take care of a few things right away, but I don’t really operate well on an empty stomach, that’s another thing I know.

I wish I could talk about a few things, glow about my Pegasus for one. I don’t feel like I can be myself. Even here, on my own journal, I can’t. I am starting to feel paralyzed, like I can’t do anything right but will do everything wrong. I hate this. Why say anything at all? Because perhaps it might force me to move. Maybe this would crack the paralysis.