Thursday, October 29, 2009

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One thing I thought was so sure, so comforting, is gone. And I can't do anything about it. It's gone away before and come back a few times, but I don't think it's coming back this time. I don't want it to. I can't handle this anymore. I feel sick, like someone's punched me. I'm trying to understand but there's nothing to understand. What's more is that this comes at a time when I'm not sure who my friends are. I don't know who I can reach out to and no one's reaching out to me.

God help me. Please.


"Song for the Broken" by Barlowgirls

I am the comfortable secure
Definition of this western world
And I have perfected deceit
Even I believe I'm above saving
And I'll never let You see

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used.

It takes me falling to the ground
To admit to fully needing You
Then when I'm breathing my last breath
"Come and save me" I will cry to You
'Cause pride has not let me say

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used

Why does it take so much to bring me to my knees,
Why does it take so much pain for me to see?
If strength is only found when I am on my knees,
Why is it so hard to show that I am weak?

I am the broken
I am the bruised
I am the poor ones
I have been used

Monday, October 26, 2009

Life Without: Carbonation

I want to start eliminating unnecessary things from my life, from whatever area of life needs a weeding out.

To begin with…saying goodbye to dependence on SODA.

Starting with this past hot, hot, hot summer, I got up to drinking about a 32 oz. of soda almost every day.

For about the last month and a half or so, I’ve cut that back to about 16 oz. altogether!

It wasn’t very difficult to do either. I had to be committed to ordering juice or water instead of Coca-Cola or Sprite. I told my parents and a few friends who’ve been supporting this move.

I need to account for the 16 oz. Fist made a punch, a virgin cosmopolitan, for the ladies that was SO delicious! I had 2 glasses of it which she said amounted to about 2 oz. each. She had asked me if adding the soda was okay while she was preparing it and I figured, it is part of the drink.

Then last week I watched over my brother’s place. I went very late at night, after the nearby Coffee Bean was closed. In his fridge was beer, Coke and 3 cans of juice. I didn’t want beer, I didn’t want to drink up his juice, so I settled on a can of Coke. I didn’t enjoy it though. I noticed that having not had soda for awhile, I had cut my enjoyment for the taste of soda- a good sign! I hiccupped a bit. I didn’t want to finish the can and thought about pouring the rest out, except that it would have been a waste. So I finished it.

It seems like a small thing, but it is SOMETHING. It’s been good.

The next step in this particular elimination is to transfer a liking to juice to more of a dependence on water!

What are you willing to eliminate from your life?

Friday, October 23, 2009

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Today’s Focus episode was “When Your Dream Dies.” It was the creator of Veggietales, Phil, telling his story. It was a little like Job and a lesson about Abraham and Isaac. I think it was something I needed to hear, but I just heard Phil, literally minutes ago, so time will tell.

God had put a ministry on my heart. He told me to do it. But now I cannot, not in the initial capacity at which God commanded. What happened?

I’m still trying to figure it out. I don't even know if it was MY dream at all, which then that part of Phil's story doesn't really apply.

I know I made mistakes in trying to figure out how to carry out God’s plan. I don’t see how I made such grievous mistakes towards man as to warrant such…breaking. God doesn’t call perfect people. He calls willing people. I was willing to go through it. Or was I?

I know part of my mistake was that somewhere I started to operate more on fear than on God. What was I afraid of? All the attention. It seemed like everyone was focused on me, all the success and all the failure that was to come, on me. It's not so much that I was under pressure, I needed some of that GOOD pressure. But some people weren't seeing that I was doing God's work that I wanted to do because I love Him. That was bad, unnecessary pressure. They were focused on what I was doing, not what God was doing, and I let it distract me.

It was God’s dream but as soon as man opposed it, I let the opposition distract me. So God took it away from me. I feel like man didn’t give me a chance to be the leader I needed to be and now I won’t have that chance, at least, not with this ministry it seems. It’s not so much that I need to be the leader, I didn’t want to be the leader, but that it was God’s plan to grow me as a leader and I let down. So I think He’s given it to someone else.

That’s okay. I trust and believe in this other leader.

But now what do I do? Where do I go? What can I say?

Ministry-wise, I don’t know. It was all so short, so quick. I feel like just playing dead.

Personally, I am trying to heal but I don’t know how. Another mistake I made was that I was counting on someone trusting and believing in me. I wasn’t getting it from that person. I should have kept my focus on God trusting and believing in me.

Finding out that someone didn’t believe in me still hurts. How I found out pains me. I don’t know what to do about it. I have great friends around me, why should one person have such an effect on me?

I’m still in the flinching stage. I don’t like being so sensitive. I’m tired of hurting. I wish I could be healed in a moment, but that’s not how it works, is it?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Made Me Flinch

This is where I am. Intentions are difficult to discern whether good or bad; most of it seems the same to me. In relationships, I’m flinching. I’m so uncertain about so many things.

In What’s all the Excitement About?, I forgot to mention Talent, who has amazing enthusiasm which refreshes me. Also, more praise of Bubbles, who had the right heart and mind regarding where we meet for Bible study and why; she brought the right perspective and showed that she’s being intentional about her spiritual growth. That’s what I want to see!

I want to give credit where credit’s due.

Today, I listened again to some Focus episodes. I was reminded about being unforgiving and the damage it does. I think if one can’t forgive, one can’t give. It says in the Lord’s Prayer, “forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” [Matthew 6:12, NIV]. My prayers have been strained and so I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for those who’ve hurt me, whether they realize their offense or not.

I wonder how many times I’ve passed off helping a hurting friend. A lot of times, people hide their pain, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’ve assumed that someone else is doing something about it. I tell myself that someone else has it under control. I haven’t known what to do or say. Sometimes it’s best to say nothing, so I tell myself. I could have at least let them know that to see their hurt pains me as well. I could have said… I don’t know. I could have not said and given a hug instead.

Going back to giving credit, I needed a timeout on Sunday. I went to a rather quiet place but still I was found- God is good. Sir’s father found me and did exactly what I would expect a good caring Christian should do when finding a broken heart. He approached me to ask if I’m okay. He sought out a female to sit with me so that I wouldn’t be alone.

Father Sir’s actions are refreshing and inspiring. That’s what I want to see happening! It’s all too easy for us to go care for people we don’t really know. We go out to reach strangers or acquaintances. We get to look like the hero.

Why are we reluctant to be the hero for our family and friends?

If we cared enough for each other as much as we cared for those out there, maybe we’d be more effective when we go out there. I know it seems backwards, but I keep getting the message that it’s the personal relationship with God first, next we take a look around and build up those around us, and then we can make a difference in the lives of the lost in a way that is lasting!

It’s like the illustration that Sir pointed out in a previous conversation. The safety instructions on the airplane are to put the oxygen mask over your face first, then put a mask over someone who needs help.

I'm also reminded of a saying, I don't know who the originator was but it was quoted in the movie 28 Days. It goes something like, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result." Apply it to spiritual growth.

Anyways, yup. Don’t know what else to say. We’ll see what happens.

Oh, and the Focus episodes were really good ones: Being Salt and Light, aired on Aug. 23; Overcoming Sexual Sin in Marriage, Oct. 15; My Journey to Salvation 1 & 2, June 26-27.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

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What’s next? I still don’t know. I tried to do something, I did some things, and I failed other things. I’m still kinda angry and guarding against bitterness. I’m tired of talking about it.

I keep wondering if there’s a purpose to the fact that I’ve never had a solid foundational friend group for very long. I have great friends, just individuals. Is it just my lot in life to bounce from group to group? And I’m not saying these things because I don’t care about people. It’s that I know people will be fine without me and I will be okay without them. Sometimes, we're both better apart. That's a tough thing but if it's what is best....

Even those I mentioned in the previous entry, they don’t need me. They have each other and they have God. I have God and I will find others. Maybe I’ve done my job. Maybe I’ve done as much as I can for this group. I got some stuff started for them and they can carry it on their own now.

Wasn’t I just whining about being abandoned? Won’t I be doing the same to what true friends I have in this group? I’m not completely going away. I’ll see them at church. I’ll be a phone call away. I’d transition out as gradually as possible.

But I really don’t know what’s next.

Throwing out some ideas, maybe invest in some old friends whom also need Jesus. I could invest in Curls. Perhaps I could start a canvassing ministry. I could join Blessing in the college ministry on campus. I could make a harder campaign to get into Habitat for Humanity; I LOVE hard labor! I've been missing it greatly.

So it’s not like I wouldn’t have anything to do. And it’s still about what God has for me to do. I just don’t know what more I can do for this group. I believe in the group, I would be leaving them in good hands. They know what to do.

And there’s Pegasus.

Or I could get more intentional about finding a husband and start a family! Yeah, maybe not yet.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m lost.

Monday, October 19, 2009

What’s All the Excitement About?

I’m sorry about the last few entries. I don’t want to be such a fault-finder, such a negative energy. So today, something different.

This is an exciting time. Getting involved in God’s work is exciting! As I continue to observe and listen to some in this group, I am so encouraged and excited, because I’m finding out that people I was concerned with WANT spiritual growth!

They’re telling me what they want, how they feel and think about it. I’m learning how to ask the right questions to draw them out more. I’m seeing the little steps they’re making that will lead them to bigger steps in drawing closer to God. This is exciting! This is what I DREAMED for this group! And I get to be a part of encouraging them and supporting them which is feeding MY spiritual growth!

Five wants spiritual growth. He’s beginning to really trust telling me things about how his spiritual life is going. He’s told me one way I could help him get there and I was glad to do that for him. I look forward to finding out more ways that I can help. And it helps that Bubbles gives me a little more information.

Bubbles wants spiritual growth. I can see her paying attention during BS, really searching for the lesson within the lesson. We’re having conversations about spiritual things. Bubbles wants to reach out to people and I can’t wait to do that with her! And she’s looking for ways to encourage me, so it’s mutual.

Pendulum wants spiritual growth. I see him engaged in the BS lessons. Conversations with him here and there let me find out how he’s doing, what he wants. Right now I’m thinking of how I can help him. I don’t know what it is yet, but I’ll be on the lookout.

Fist wants spiritual growth. She intimidates some in the group because she knows so much, but she wants to learn more about applying things to her own life. We all have things to work on, to improve on; the Fist is no different. Last week at BS, Fist came up with an application from the lesson on her own! And I affirmed that for her.

Ginger wants spiritual growth. She misses sensing God’s presence. She told me what she wanted, a small group with the girls where we can really get deeper and pray for real things for each other. We were having an online chat and I wanted to keep talking to her; I mentioned praying and without hesitation, she said she was going to go pray and she left me! At small group, I asked if anyone wanted to close us in prayer and she volunteered right away!

These are the kinds of things I want to be around. This is the work that I want to do! I don’t care that some people think I’m a thinker; I’m also a doer. Give me something to do and I’ll get on it. Tell me that you want spiritual growth and I’ll get behind you in any way I can.

When I heard “if you’re ready to go with [the ministry],” I went with it. God told me not to wait any longer, that I was to do this. So I went for it knowing it was going to be a rough ride, knowing that I might lose some. But it’s all to God.

When I heard women’s small group, I went ahead with it. Right away I started talking to the others that Ginger wanted to meet with and found out their interest level. I didn’t wait for everyone’s schedules to come in; we got started because God told me not to delay. And I kept in contact with the others so that we could bring them along the way.

When Five wanted something, a thing that seems simple but complex and he wasn’t comfortable voicing it himself, I was glad to voice it for him. When he found out I was working on it and moving on it, the smile on his face was all I needed.

Why do I do this? Because I love God, want to be obedient to God no matter what this costs, and because I care. This is the kind of leader I wanted to be. Whether I do it upfront or behind the scenes doesn’t matter to me. Just let me do it.

That’s a moot point right now as someone is starting to come forward in taking the lead. I’m glad for it. I’m only disappointed in that some in the group for whom I also want to get to know more and do more, they’re not going to get how much I care. They’re going to miss it. They’re not going to get why I did this. They’re going to stay within their comfort zone a little more, though not for long if I’m right about the new leader. But they won’t have to deal with me. That's my failing.

And I get to focus on the ones who want me involved. It’s not me doing it but God through me. I’m still amazed that He’s able to use me. Two years ago, I would have never thought I would be doing what I’m doing, and THAT is exciting!

Mahalo for reading.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

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I don’t usually post anything on a Sunday, but I need to confess a few things.

I am angry.

I feel trapped.

I can’t see a resolution.

I am having trouble praying.

There is no easy move that I can make.

I feel abandoned. Not by everyone, but I am surprised by the people I feel have abandoned me. I don’t trust them anymore and it hurts to say so. But to tell them what I want to tell them means more pain and hurt.

What I wanted was to get right with God, to grow closer to God, surround myself with people who want the same thing and then to show the unsaved people around us that Jesus makes a real difference.

And now?

People have made assumptions about who I am and they are so very wrong.

I suppose each gift has its grandness and its difficulty. If discernment is my gift, I’m getting its difficulty now. But people don’t want the truth. The truth isn’t ugly, but it often shows us our ugliness.

Now, I don’t know what I want. I feel trapped. I’m beginning to think that to stay where I am would mean to stifle my own spiritual growth. I don’t know.

And this kills because the one person with whom I feel most completely safe and secure... I can’t talk about it.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

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I don’t really know what to say. Things aren’t the same. I mean, I know things change and they always will. But this just really sucks.

I’ve never been much on popularity. Overall, I don’t care about people liking me, and it’s been good for me in the sense that it allows me to focus more on pleasing God rather than people. It’s freed me to do the right thing more times than not.

Rejection still hurts though. Uncaring people still hurts. Losing friends still hurts. Getting the sense that I’m the poison in others’ lives still hurts.

I wanted to do something good, something for other people. I wanted to obey something I believed God wanted me to do. But I don’t know how to get people to want that with me. And trying to is just… it’s not working. I’m serious about doing this. I… I just don’t know anymore.

No matter how many times people tell me otherwise, I still feel like an outsider in this group. And this… conflict that’s going on, I don’t see it resolving anytime soon and it’s hurting the ones I do love.

I do try to see the best in people, but right now I’m so very disappointed. I don’t want fakeness. I want honesty, no matter how ugly it may be. I want true relationships. I wanna feel comfortable being myself! I don’t want to be merely tolerated!

I’m thinking about doing something else. I’m praying about it. It’s not what I want to do, but if it’s better for others… I’m thinking about going away. I’m not running away, I just don’t want people to feel like they’re in the middle. I don’t like people being in the middle. So I’m just going to cut my end off and no one has to be in the middle again.

I’m scared. It means missing the ones I love. It means starting all over again. It means having to heal on my own.

Friday, October 16, 2009

The Most Powerful Word

Awhile ago, I wrote an entry about how I finished my first Bible read-through. The point is that God guided me through it in order for me to know more about Him; I didn’t do it alone.

The outcome of having read God’s word is… practically indescribable. I have a definite sense that I’ve gotten closer in my relationship with Him, like never before. I have a greater (not perfect) understanding of who God is, particularly of His love and His power. I still have moments when I have to remind myself, or have God remind me, that He is the greatest, but I get it more than I used to. I used to feel… gone and hopeless and unsure. Now, none of that matters when my focus is on Him.

Seeing those people who carry their Bible around, I never knew what to think of that. I don’t think I understood it. I never would have thought I’d be that kind of person. But having read the Bible, all of it, I need it with me. I don’t understand it all. I don’t ALWAYS have it with me, but I have a difficult time leaving it at home. I see so much in it now.

I’m trying my second read-through. I’m still not perfectly consistent with reading it.

God is all-powerful, most powerful. The devil is not all-powerful, but neither is he a fool. It’s definitely the trick of the devil to get us to not read the Bible. But I’m so glad that God allowed…empowered me to read it. Reading the whole Bible helps me to see the whole picture.

It’s also a lot more responsibility. I cannot say anymore that I think I read this or that. Now it is, I MUST HAVE read it. Now I must read it again, get more into it, get more out of it, start applying it to my life more.

All I hear people pointing out in the book of Job is that he lost everything but had amazing faith and then God gave him double. What I read in Job is how God knows everything, even our hearts. I see how God delights in us and champions us even when we don’t deserve it, even when the accuser doesn’t deserve an answer.

Hmm…I don’t know what else to say about this right now. All I can say is that reading the Bible is worth a whole lot more than I can adequately explain.

This isn’t the Bible, but mahalo for reading.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Become a Lush…

…er, a Lush insider, that is. A Lush insider is someone who frequents the company and uses Lush products.

The first time I’d ever heard of Lush was about a month or two ago when a friend wanted to get some stuff from their store. At first, I was overwhelmed by the strong scents in the store coming from the products, as with any store of that type. I braved it a little just to look around. A few weeks later I noticed some videos on YouTube about Lush products. Apparently it’s a big deal on the mainland.

Last week, another friend and I checked out Lush for ourselves. We both made some purchases. I got 2 shampoo bars, a bubble bar, a soap block and a massage bar. I’ve already tried everything but the bubble bar.

The handmade soap comes as a block that are cut down to smaller blocks and sold by the pound (they can cut off a block to how much the customer is willing to spend). I cut a slice off of the soap block that I brought home of Sexy Peel (lemon, lime and grapefruit). It smells great, rinses off clean and still leaves adequate moisture to my skin (which tends to be dry).

The shampoo bars are, yes, solid shampoo but they lather great! They take a few swipes with water on my hair. They also rinse clean and are not drying. The two that I got was the Godiva, scented with jasmine, hibiscus and gardenia, and the Hybrid which is charcoal and licorice. Okay, charcoal and licorice doesn’t sound like they would smell good together or individually, but the shampoo doesn’t leave a heavy scent after use and it’s quite a good pairing of scents.

I love citrus scents, but sometimes I like a fruity stuff. I got the Strawberry Feels Forever massage bar. The website says it has strawberry and hibiscus. It smells like spiced strawberry…and good! It smoothed across my skin. It warmed nicely as I massaged it into my legs.

The company claims to be environmentally conscious. I would suggest checking that out for yourself if it’s something important to you too though I will say that there is not a lot of packaging and their products do seem to be made to last a long time.

Anyways, I don’t know if I would say that I’m a Lush insider just yet, but I am satisfied with their stuff at the moment and there are a few more things I'd like to try in the future. If you can get past the first wave of overwhelming scents at the store, and especially if you need a really relaxing treat, check out Lush. Or check out their website; I just like being able to smell things for myself.

Mahalo for reading!

Lush

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Shuffle This

I’ve been reluctant to buying music online. I just like having the CD with the jacket and all of that; I’m still a hardcopy kind of girl.

But recently I went on a music spree on iTunes. I’ve discovered that another reason to go for CD’s is that I won’t go crazy with buying music! On iTunes, I went a little wild, just a little. So here are some things I got and some comments on them. In no particular order:

Whoa- Aly & A.J. : I’ve heard of them, but still don’t know much about this group. I really like this song. It’s got great energy and sometimes this is how I feel.

Love Drunk; Two Is Better Than One (feat. Taylor Swift)- Boys Like Girls: Like and like. The first one is energetic, the second is softer. The give and take between BLG and Taylor was done very well, in my opinion.

I’m Letting Go- Francesca Battistelli : Okay, this one is on the radio A LOT, but I like the message and how it goes with the feel of the music.

Turnin’ Me On; Energy; Knock You Down- Keri Hilson: Like, like and like. I kept watching the video for the third on YouTube so I finally decided to get the song. I previewed some of her other songs, looked up the video for “Energy” and liked the song. The first one was because I thought I’d like the energy of it from listening to the clip. [Are you starting to see that I frequently go for the energy of a song?]

Sexy Love; Because of You- Ne-Yo: I’m starting to like his voice. I also like the different sounds put together for the background to the melody.

Untouched; This Love- The Veronicas: I remembered Apple mentioning this group once and so I finally looked them up. Both of these songs I got in the live version. Like and like.

Insomnia- Craig David: I’ve always liked his voice. I was intrigued by the song title because I don’t sleep very well! I like the song but it has gotten stuck in my head as I lie down to sleep, so that’s a little unfortunate!

Come Back to Me- David Cook: I hafta admit, I watched him on American Idol and he was among my favorites. I love this song! Music-wise and lyric-wise, it’s good. The personal note is that I relate to the words very well, as both the person that went away and as the person waiting for someone to come back.

Fading; Fight Like This- Decyfer Down: I heard them on the radio and I like their hard rock sound. I’m really a rock-n-roll girl.

Business Time; Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros- Flight of the Conchords: Um, do I really hafta explain this to you? If you’ve never heard of this… um… group, look them up on YouTube. They’re ridiculously funny! At least, I enjoy them. If you ever wondered why they’re called “business socks,” the Conchords explain it in the first song.

Take Me As I Am- FM Static: Good! I think this is where I am currently in my spiritual walk. I love the music too.

Better In Time- Leona Lewis: Recommended by Apple, another good one. My opinion is still that she should have enunciated the chorus better. And I cannot stand “Bleeding Love” so I really hafta forget that she sings that song too when I listen to this one.

You Belong With Me; I’m Only Me When I’m With You; Love Story- Taylor Swift: I didn’t get into Taylor until very recently (look up “Thug Story” on YouTube- thanks Fist!). Another interesting thing is that I heard her songs A LOT because of my guy friends! Yup. My favorite so far is the second song.
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I also got some songs that have been around or are on the radio a lot. No Air- Jordin Sparks; This Time- John Legend; By Your Side- Tenth Avenue North; The Last Night; Whispers in the Dark- Skillet. All good songs. I also got a couple Jesse McCartney songs, “She’s No You” and “Body Language.”

"Can’t Find the Words" by Karina I got because I heard it on YouTube, it’s nothing very original, but I like the simplicity of it, the easy feel of it. I got the entire Matthew West album, “Something to Say.” I’m hoping to get around to writing a whole review for it. I also got "Broken" by Seether; it features Amy Lee from Evanescence and I like how their voices go together for this song.

A real find has been “Smile” by Uncle Kracker. I love this song, go listen to it!

I’ve been watching Michelle Phan videos on YouTube; she’s more for makeup and style but she uses great music for her background. It’s music I’ve never heard before and I’ve been looking for new music. So for this past music spree, on recommendation from Phan videos, I got:

You Can Be the One; Empty Streets- Late Night Alumni
Come To Life; Breathing Underwater- Marie Digby
Enchanted Life- Samantha James


"Breathing Underwater" is my favorite of these; I wonder if it has to do with Swim-sleeping?
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A few more that I got on a previous music spree that I really like: Somos Novios- Andrea Bocelli; Uh-huh- Munchausen By Proxy; Who I Am- Stroke 9.

Okay, that’s enough for now. Let me know if there’s any song or artist that you think I should look up or that I might enjoy! I love music!

Mahalo for reading.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Pegasus

I sense that I’m in the calm before the storm. I’m not talking about what people probably think I’m talking about. I’m on the edge of something that I believe can be simply wonderful but realistically, could also be… troublesome. I wish I could tell someone but there’s not really anyone to tell or… I don’t know!

It has to do with Pegasus. I kinda mentioned that before and people are gonna say huh? I would’ve used the word “unicorn” instead but there’s this whole internet thing about a certain unicorn.

So. Pegasus. The winged horse of Greek mythology. I like the idea of Pegasus, maybe it fits better than unicorn anyway. My mind turns to Clash of the Titans, an old movie starring Harry Hamlin as Perseus. Perseus frees Pegasus from a chain; later, Pegasus assists Perseus in saving Andromeda from the sea monster Cetus. That’s in the movie, I think. In mythology, when Perseus cuts off Medusa’s head, Pegasus springs forth from her neck. Poseidon is credited as the sire of Pegasus. Wow, that brings up a whole host of tangents!

Anyways, I cannot name my Pegasus, yet, but hopefully in the future. It’s quite a test of patience not to say anything at the moment. I’m trying to keep level-headed about it all. I kinda like the name “Andromeda” –tangent.

Well, I know, I’m still not making any sense. I’m excited. I just wanted to have something documented and hopefully I can come back to this someday.

Mahalo for reading.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Missed Communication

Superpowers are fascinating. I feel so powerless at times and I know that is a lesson for me to trust God, believe that God is my power. Still, it’s fun to think about being granted the blessing of a superpower.

If you could have a superpower, what would you like it to be?

My answer for the past several years has been the power of fluency. Sometimes I call it the power of communication or the power of languages or the power of understanding. I keep thinking about the idea being lost in translation, thinking about the Tower of Babel, thinking about how difficult it is for me to communicate my thoughts to others. I wonder how many disputes could’ve been kept down rather than escalating to something terrible if only two people had been able to understand each other.

I think I would love to be a peacekeeper, but that is not my superpower and it doesn’t seem to be my spiritual gift either. I’d like to be an ambassador or a translator; there’s responsibility in it that I’d like to use towards keeping the peace. When I’ve taken spiritual gift evaluations, minor gifts have been known to change, but top on my list has consistently been discernment.

I’m in a period of heavy discernment at the moment. I’ve found that I cannot control this gift. God has gifted me discernment, but He is ultimately in control. He gives me the information I need when I am to use it. Lately I feel like my gift is failing me or I’m failing the gift; I tend towards the latter thought. I’ve been second-guessing myself. I’ve been second-guessing what I’m sensing God to be telling me.

Sometimes, a difficult thing with discernment is that I need time to process things. At times, I still need to discern my own emotions and get those out of the way before I can know what it is to do. But it takes time. And it seems others cannot wait. They don’t trust me and so they cannot see that the time I’m taking is vital to how I proceed next. Other factors came into play, but the time I’m taking now will hopefully avoid greater errors in the future. I hope. I HOPE.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. Superpower of language fluency; I want to understand people. Some understand me and others don't. I understand that sometimes it is better not to speak and so I like being the observer. Soon, very soon, I will need to be the speaker.

Mahalo for reading. One of these days I’ll start making sense again, that is, if I ever made sense in the first place.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Uncertainty

How much can one person withstand? How many times can one person break and get back up again? By oneself, not much, not very many times.

This past Sunday, the pastor pointed to the story of Abram. In passing, he talked about God telling Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, the beloved son. What is my Isaac? Who is my Isaac? This is what my mind has been on lately.

Before the sermon, the week before, I was already considering a situation to give up to God. I haven’t yet. Then it seemed with the sermon that maybe God was sending me a yes, that’s it, give it up. But another circumstance has come up that… the situation that I was going to give up, I think God is telling me to hold on to it; it’s brought me some understanding and peace. Which brings up a question of how can I know the voice of God versus an imitator?

Can the devil give peace?

The reason why I haven’t given it up is that every time I thought I would, I felt sick inside. When I resolved to keep it, I would feel calm, at peace.
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I’m not talking about the voice of God here.

I think something sounds one way in my mind and others are telling me that it sounds another way. How much am I supposed to be concerned with that? How much can I control others’ perceptions? How much am I supposed to cater to the others?

It’s not that I don’t care. It’s not that I’m above … and it frustrates me that I can’t say what is … what does it matter? It’s not being heard. That much I know.
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This isn’t very coherent at all, is it? Well, it seems food is also upset with me at this time. I’d like to take care of a few things right away, but I don’t really operate well on an empty stomach, that’s another thing I know.

I wish I could talk about a few things, glow about my Pegasus for one. I don’t feel like I can be myself. Even here, on my own journal, I can’t. I am starting to feel paralyzed, like I can’t do anything right but will do everything wrong. I hate this. Why say anything at all? Because perhaps it might force me to move. Maybe this would crack the paralysis.