I don’t know quite how to describe what has been going on. I suppose we all can get comfortable with people being who we perceive them to be and have a difficult time letting them develop. Maybe we get comfortable with who we are and have a difficult time developing. Do we ever reach a point where we are set in who we are?
I’ve always had this sense that I am in-between, neither/nor, this but also that. I think it started when I changed schools in elementary. It seems like ever since then, I’ve been in a constant mode of making friends, meaning that I’ve never had a rather consistent group of friends around me. I mention this because as I’ve made friends here and there, I couldn’t identify myself by any group. In other words, I didn’t think of myself as popular because I wasn’t in the popular group, I wouldn’t call myself an intellectual because I wasn’t in the group that made all As, etc.
In comparison with my brother, he was definitely the more sensible and obedient one to our parents. I’ve been the rebellious, strong-willed one. Yet I can’t bring up a real rebellious thing I’ve done. I have never been grounded, I didn’t sneak in and out of the house, and I wasn’t out putting graffiti on others’ properties or outrageously partying with other under-aged drunks.
And now, I’m not sure how people see me. Maybe I still don't know how to see myself. I suppose with my current friends I’ve been rather laidback; I’m not sure that’s the right word.
I've been put in a leader position that affects my current friends. I sense that they’re having a difficult time seeing me as a leader. I’m having a difficult time because on one hand, I can lead and I believe God wants me in this position; on the other hand, after more than a year, I still feel like the new kid on the scene.
Who am I to come in there and disrupt an already established group dynamic in which there are leaders in place? It’s set. And I’m asking them to do something different.
And I knew this was going to be rough. It’s one of those things where I couldn’t have known just how hard it would be.
God, why? Is this really what you want for me? Is this the best thing for the group? Please don’t let this turn into something that divides the group.
Mahalo for reading. Pray.