Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Scar Tissue

I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that I have many hurts in my past that I would love to see healed. I thought I had “gotten over” a particular one and recently it has come to stare me in the face again. To be honest, I’m not handling it as well as I thought I would if given the chance for a reconciliation of any degree.

This hurt occurred almost a full decade ago. Early on I held on to the bitterness. Then I made attempts to reconcile. That being rejected, I turned back to bitterness and it almost destroyed me. That is no exaggeration. Close friends could tell that I had changed, though they might not have known the reason why. I suppose what is so difficult is that this was a pivotal event. A lot of firsts were involved for me. I can trace many bad decisions to this one experience. I began to doubt myself more than I had ever before. I began to care less and less as time went on. I began to lose faith in myself.

I cannot think of it without tearing up. I see now that I could have gotten a lot more destructive had God taken His hand from my shoulder. There were times that I begged for it, times when I dared God to abandon me. I always knew He wouldn’t, and there were times when I begged for forgiveness.

Late last year, something clicked inside of me and positive changes began to occur in my life. In the midst of all that was going on, I decided to leave that hurt [among many others] behind, or so I thought. I had come to a better understanding of God’s grace given to me and wanted to cling to it. I have actually been feeling different inside. I wanted to share the joy with others more.

That was only a few months ago. Back to the past, I suppose it was easier to think that any chance of reconciliation was long gone. I believe it was a huge hurt for both parties involved, or maybe I only like to think so. Looking back, I am reminded of how much I cared and how much I wanted to communicate that. I also remember how ugly the whole thing made me over time.

Is this God talking to me? But if it’s not God whom is giving me this tiny opportunity…I guess I just don’t want the chance to fall again after having so recently been lifted up.

I realize that people will disappoint, and so it is never a sure bet that someone will not hurt me. Am I making too much of this than it has to be? Is it possible to care too much? I know that sometimes I think too much. But it’s just hard. When someone or something has led me to be perhaps the most fragile I have ever been…it can become difficult to breathe.

This is just ridiculous. The person hasn’t asked for reconciliation. We haven’t begun a new dialogue. I guess I want so much to happen, afraid it will, and afraid that nothing will come of it.

Okay, this is a lot of stuff to be writing when just yesterday I welcomed any possible new readers. I apologize for the heaviness. I had decided some time ago that I would make good use of this journal and so I thought that I should include anything I felt led to include. I will try to find something lighter for tomorrow.

Life has its grand moments; life is also full of tough situations. I need prayer in both the good times and the bad times. I surely would appreciate your prayers this moment. Let us all pray for each other; can never have too much of that.


“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
-Joshua 1:9

For I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. -Philippians 4:13