Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Matchmaker, Matchmaker…

Make me a match
Find me a find, catch me a catch
Matchmaker, matchmaker, look through your book
And make me a perfect match

Matchmaker, matchmaker, plan me no plans
I’m in no rush, maybe I’ve learned
Playing with matches a girl can get burned
So bring me no ring, groom me no groom
Find me no find, catch me no catch
Unless he’s a matchless match


Those words are from “Matchmaker,” a song in the musical Fiddler on the Roof. I have not seen the musical yet but Aunty Shirlynne and I spent some time together yesterday [Sunday if I don’t post this on Monday] and she has invited me over to see it on DVD in the future. Instead, I watched Miss Potter at her house, the one about Beatrix Potter; it’s a good movie. For at least the first 32 years of her life, Potter remained single and had determined to remain so for she didn’t want to become a “silly woman,” directing a household and holding dinner parties and such.
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I have had a lot of thoughts about the prospects of marriage for my future. What single person doesn’t think about whether they’d like to marry or not? I am decidedly for the idea of my marrying someday; I think I would enjoy being married. I’m not looking to have the “perfect” marriage; I’m not under the impression that there is such a thing. But I’m hoping to be a mother someday and I am determined to do that the traditional way, with my future husband.

However, I have come also to the decision that I am going to be okay even if I never marry. I am going to have a big birthday this year and I am still single in the basest of meanings; I have no boyfriend and I am not dating anyone. Yet, I don’t feel the urgent need to find someone. I don’t feel any kind of clock ticking. I would like to have a child from my own body and as I age, that may get more difficult to do so, but I’ll be able to adopt far after I’ll be able to give birth. Anyways, I'm sure most people who know me know that I've hardly ever been in a hurry to date someone. I may be interested in someone, but I don't really care if anything happens.
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Since I don’t have someone in front of me right now whom I sense that God has specifically for me, I’m not really looking. I mean, I see guys and I think, he’s a good guy and notice things about him that are attractive to me, but then I move on with what I have in my life right now. It gets difficult sometimes, I’m not gonna lie, because I experience some things and I think to myself that it’d be good to have a particular someone with whom to share it or talk about it.

It also gets difficult because other people will have their opinions. I was telling a friend how I usually sit in church by myself [Mom’s teaching Sunday school at that hour] but one day, a male friend had come and so we sat together. Um, when an unmarried guy and an unmarried lady sit together in church, especially when there’s not many people near them, it’s very noticeable. People start looking and wondering. And especially when one is my age, people wonder even more.

Now, I’ve been conditioned to resent the wondering. I have a long list of instances when people have linked me romantically to someone when it wasn’t true.

Then when I was helping a friend with wedding preparations, her mother said something that came off a little snide to me, as in a “my-daughter’s-found-her-man-good-luck-finding-yours” kind of way, or a “your-mother-must-be-so-sad-that-you’re-still-single” kind of way. I know that’s probably just my perception; I’m generally loved by parents but I’ve never been comfortable with this friend’s mother.

My own mother got a little into trying to match me up but thankfully she’s gotten over it. She has said, however, that she hopes that I marry a white collar man. I haven’t told her that I’m just hoping for a good man. In my mind, almost any work is noble if it’s needed. I’d be a mail carrier if I could, I think I could be happy doing that. I could respect any man who could provide for a future together no matter how he makes his honest living. But if Mom has hopes more urgent, she’s not telling me.

Anyways, after I said the stuff about people wondering about the male friend and I in church, the friend I was talking to said that “Clay’s a good guy.” It kinda came off, to me, like a little admonishment, that sort of you’d-be-lucky-to-have-him kind of way. I hate it when people tell me that about someone. It’s true, I would be blessed ‘cuz Clay is a good guy, better than a lot I know. I am very aware of Clay’s good qualities. Two things though: I’m really not looking for a marriage partner now and I’m not getting any indication from God that Clay is for me or that I am for Clay. Clay is more of a gentle guy whereas I’m very hardheaded. In the past, with gentle guys, I’ve had the tendency to not be so nice to them or treat them as I should, and so I’ve come to thinking that I might need someone who is at least as hardheaded as I am. Okay, that sounds strange, I’m very aware of it but I don’t know how better to explain what I mean. Um…. God may tell me later that Clay is the one and I will listen to that, but I’m not getting it right now, and I have asked quietly to myself if he might be…. That's not to say that I know anything of how he feels towards me, I have no idea.
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And that brings me back to Aunty Shirlynne. Aunty and Uncle Mike dropped me off at home and spent a little time talking to my parents; Aunty and my mom are very good friends. When they were finishing up, I walked Aunty and Uncle out. Uncle mentioned that they have a son who is my age. That’s when Aunty turns to me and says, “That’s right, Gavin’s still single, you know!” I answered, “But he smokes.” She said, “He’s quitting, I’ll make sure he quits!”

I can only laugh. There’s no way I could ever be upset by Aunty Shirlynne; she’s one of those people that just put a smile on one’s face. Also, to be honest, I do sometimes ask her how Gavin is with a little of that…romantic interest in mind. One should understand, though, that I grew up with her son so there’s a history there. I don’t remember having a crush on him or anything, but it’s possible. Plus, since I am not looking, it’s a little safer to think about Gavin because he’s in Arizona. It isn’t like I run into him at the house all the time and bat my eyes at him. I haven’t seen him since our graduation day.

Besides, Aunty says he loves it in Arizona; I'd like to live in Hawaii as much as that may be possible.

So imagining the possibility of a “Gavin,” not The Gavin, allows me to keep hoping while waiting for God’s word on the matter. If Gavin is not a Christian already, which it doesn’t sound like The Gavin is at the moment, at least he comes from a good Christian home. My thinking is that if it would be possible for me to marry a non-Christian, Gavin would be more ideal because then he would at least have a reference as to why I think and do the things I do. He wouldn’t think I’m crazy because he’s watched his mom in her Christian walk; it wouldn’t be that foreign to him to watch me in mine. In that way, I might be a better witness to him.
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Okay, that’s being a little wishful. Well, my friend Darling and I, I think because of the distance between us, we eventually come around to talking about guys. So she probably thinks I think about my Former more than I actually do in my normal day. In these days…it’s been years so I mostly think of him only to remind myself to keep hoping; someone cared about me once, someone will care about me again. So in the meantime, I’m not looking, but let’s say that I’m preparing myself to be a wife someday.

And “matchmaker, matchmaker…”

Mahalo.