Sunday, July 22, 2007

Another Installment of MUST IT BE SO?

Of people that I care about and have hurt recently, I'm giving this person individual time because I'm more than pretty sure that I let go on purpose.

I've been really petty about this for...awhile now, consciously and otherwise. I have a great friend, my best for the past so many years. She's been the one I could confide in, the one whom I believe deserves the very best and I'd be honored if I'm around to celebrate it with her. I'm not gonna say her name because I'm sure that she'll know... And this is more about embarassing myself and not her because I usually think that I'm a good friend in return but this time I've fallen so very short of the mark. For this purpose, I'll call her...Ruthie.

To start, Ruthie began to date a guy that...to say that I don't approve of him isn't exactly the right phrase... Simply put, there is no real "deal-breaker" about him except that I honestly believe that she could do better. He's not abusive, he's not a user; he works hard for his money, he's got friends who are likable also, he dresses well; he doesn't do drugs or smoke. I have no problem complimenting him. Maybe part of my problem is that Ruthie didn't hear enough of that from me.

And I'm sure that he cares about her. What more could someone want for their friend, right?

Oh, so much more...

I'd like to think of myself as a sensible person; I'm not into the fairytale perfection fantasy. But Ruthie deserves so much more than she would probably have with this guy. I think their relationship is a big settle---for BOTH of them. As great as Ruthie is, I can't say that this is fair to him either. I hadn't seen evidence that either of them are getting what they need or giving their best.

But I'd better get on to the hurt: Ruthie's broken up with him and then gotten back together with him. She got back together with him, and didn't tell me. I know she doesn't hafta tell me everything or need my approval, but with how close we had become, I would think that's something she would tell me. I felt left out of her life on purpose and hurt by it. Again, it's not all her doing; I am sure I didn't make it easy on her. How I found out was by making a comment about a guy and her flippantly responding with, "hey, I have a boyfriend!"

So I respected that she was with him again. She broke up with him again. I didn't say anything; I didn't know what to say and by then I didn't wanna ask about him at all but listen to her talk about him but she didn't talk about him much at all. It sounded like she had really thought it through on her own and decided.

But she got back together with him again. And again I found out the exact same way. And again I felt left out and hurt, with embarassment this time because we were with other people.

By this time of finding out again, we've slowly not hung out. We used to hang out a lot, just the two of us. And to her credit, we've hung out mainly because of the amazing effort she put into our friendship.

I haven't seen her in months. She's called a couple of times, but I couldn't get words out of my mouth, not the ones I need to. I have had the worst attitude about this. I've been guilting myself, I typically guilt myself, but this is a big one. And I missed her birthday. It's so hard to say "I'm sorry" and it's just as hard to say that "I'm hurt." For me, this time, anyway.

I've handled this so wrong. A lot of it doesn't have to do with Ruthie, but with how I've been scarred and silenced by other friendships.

I have plans to call Ruthie this week. This helped, to get it out of me in a small way. Now, for the big step...