Sunday, July 22, 2007

Another Installment of MUST IT BE SO?

Of people that I care about and have hurt recently, I'm giving this person individual time because I'm more than pretty sure that I let go on purpose.

I've been really petty about this for...awhile now, consciously and otherwise. I have a great friend, my best for the past so many years. She's been the one I could confide in, the one whom I believe deserves the very best and I'd be honored if I'm around to celebrate it with her. I'm not gonna say her name because I'm sure that she'll know... And this is more about embarassing myself and not her because I usually think that I'm a good friend in return but this time I've fallen so very short of the mark. For this purpose, I'll call her...Ruthie.

To start, Ruthie began to date a guy that...to say that I don't approve of him isn't exactly the right phrase... Simply put, there is no real "deal-breaker" about him except that I honestly believe that she could do better. He's not abusive, he's not a user; he works hard for his money, he's got friends who are likable also, he dresses well; he doesn't do drugs or smoke. I have no problem complimenting him. Maybe part of my problem is that Ruthie didn't hear enough of that from me.

And I'm sure that he cares about her. What more could someone want for their friend, right?

Oh, so much more...

I'd like to think of myself as a sensible person; I'm not into the fairytale perfection fantasy. But Ruthie deserves so much more than she would probably have with this guy. I think their relationship is a big settle---for BOTH of them. As great as Ruthie is, I can't say that this is fair to him either. I hadn't seen evidence that either of them are getting what they need or giving their best.

But I'd better get on to the hurt: Ruthie's broken up with him and then gotten back together with him. She got back together with him, and didn't tell me. I know she doesn't hafta tell me everything or need my approval, but with how close we had become, I would think that's something she would tell me. I felt left out of her life on purpose and hurt by it. Again, it's not all her doing; I am sure I didn't make it easy on her. How I found out was by making a comment about a guy and her flippantly responding with, "hey, I have a boyfriend!"

So I respected that she was with him again. She broke up with him again. I didn't say anything; I didn't know what to say and by then I didn't wanna ask about him at all but listen to her talk about him but she didn't talk about him much at all. It sounded like she had really thought it through on her own and decided.

But she got back together with him again. And again I found out the exact same way. And again I felt left out and hurt, with embarassment this time because we were with other people.

By this time of finding out again, we've slowly not hung out. We used to hang out a lot, just the two of us. And to her credit, we've hung out mainly because of the amazing effort she put into our friendship.

I haven't seen her in months. She's called a couple of times, but I couldn't get words out of my mouth, not the ones I need to. I have had the worst attitude about this. I've been guilting myself, I typically guilt myself, but this is a big one. And I missed her birthday. It's so hard to say "I'm sorry" and it's just as hard to say that "I'm hurt." For me, this time, anyway.

I've handled this so wrong. A lot of it doesn't have to do with Ruthie, but with how I've been scarred and silenced by other friendships.

I have plans to call Ruthie this week. This helped, to get it out of me in a small way. Now, for the big step...

Must It Be So?

I'm not very good at small talk, so I'm just gonna go at it. I have hurt people that I care about; they might not even know it, or they know it and wonder if it's them. But it's not them. This is all a very selfish act carried out solely by me.

I haven't been out of my house much at all for...to be honest, years. And I haven't called the people I've wanted to call. I've written, I'm good when I can hide behind a pen, or a computer, but I haven't called, I haven't visited, I haven't made a move. I have a reason for all of this, but it doesn't excuse any of it.

I've wanted to call Chulo. Sometimes I can't believe the amazing people I've met and even more unbelievable are the ones who make an effort to keep in touch or hang out with me. Chulo is definitely one of them. I met him in college during a trying time. I accompanied someone to go around the school and sell calendars and tees for our club and Chulo bought a calendar. We became friends.

When I decided to return home, out of many KIT attempts with several people, I wouldn't have thought that Chulo would be the one that KIT the most. We've been writing/emailing/calling ever since.

I've been wanting to hear Chulo's voice, but sometimes it's too hard. Admittedly, my letters have not been very cheerful [shouldn't they be?] and well, on the phone, I'm worried that I'll say something wrong or stupid or have nothing to say at all. I do write, because then I have time to think about what to write. He has important things to do and I don't like wasting people's time. My only solace is that at least I've been able to tell Chulo how much he means to me, how much I think of him. Just in case, I love you and miss you dearly, Chulo.

I've been meaning to call Kristie, not just a classmate but a real friend from high school days. Since graduation, we've KIT here and there. Several months ago, we got together, just the two of us, to catch up and stuff. I thought we'd talk maybe a couple hours at most, but it ended up being practically a whole day. It was one of the best days of recent times that I think about.

We were supposed to meet a couple months ago. I don't know where the time goes. It's today now and I don't know why I haven't just picked up the phone and called. Maybe I'm just afraid of ruining that good day. And I think, well, how is she supposed to know that I value our friendship?

I wanna hang out with Jen, another classmate but from a different circle than Kristie. We only got back in touch the past couple years 'cuz she found me through one of those classmate sites and contacted me. That's such a strange thing, for me, because the people who remember me and contact me are mostly people I wouldn't think would. I don't think Jen and I hung out after...maybe about elem. school? But I am glad that we're hanging out now. She's great; I can just call her up and suggest a volleyball game and she says let's go! [FYI: I love volleyball, that's pretty much the thing I don't mind calling people up for, I'm not a phone person even on good days.] I haven't seen her this summer yet. I had plans to... but you're getting the pattern now.

and Chris. He's had some huge changes in his life lately. I hope he knows what a dear friend he is to me, but I don't think he believes it. I haven't been the kind of friend that I'd like to be for him. Because of one of the changes that's happened, he's finally making a push for bettering his life, not that he wasn't great before. He is a good friend to have and now he's finally doing something for him. It's for his family also, but I think this is great for him and I haven't told him how proud of him I am.

If I haven't mentioned you, don't assume that I don't have you on this list at all. To mention all of you would be too much even with the best of efforts. Or that you mean any less to me.

I've always thought too much, and I used to do things also. Lately, I can't remember how I did that. Obviously I've done a lot of thinking of late. I guess there's nothing left but to do. Pray for me, please?

[I usually make an effort to proofread my work and use proper sentences and all that, but whadda ya' gonna do? Thank you for reading!]