Sunday, February 25, 2007

Mirrors and Perceptions

I find it funny the way that people think of me. I'm going to assume that they are being honest in their evaluation, but that some are just misinformed or view me through their bias. Some are too true. To say that I don't care what people think of me is honest, I don't, but it is also true that I take great consideration as to how friends and family see me; I evaluate myself from time to time based on that. I wouldn't want to reflect badly upon them.
Keep company with good men and good men you will imitate. __Unknown

Here are various things I've heard:

From Kevin, friend: Popular. Honestly, I'm not sure. I remember in high school, Kevin stating his observation that I was popular. I suppose he still holds this opinion of me. I thought he meant that many people knew who I was, but I figured that it was attributed to being in band, and a band officer at that. With hundreds of people in the various bands, of course lots of people knew who I was. He probably also meant that I was well-liked, because that is usually characteristic of being popular, but I've never thought of myself as well-liked. In fact, I knew of a good number of people who weren't exactly thrilled with me, and some claimed to be "friends." Who did I think was popular: my brother. To this day, I have never come across a person who did not like my brother, and A LOT of people know who he is!

In all honesty, if I was popular at some time, I am not popular now. The number of people who know me has stagnated as I've become a hermit in recent years.

From JayLee, friend: sarcastic. Ain't that the truth! I blame it on that brother of mine. He's very intelligent and witty, so much that I pale in comparison. He has it down to an art form. JayLee carries this opinion of me from back in intermediate school. When I started a new school in the 4th grade, I'd describe myself as a people-pleaser. That ended by 5th grade. I suppose since then, I've used sarcasm as somewhat of a shield against transparency; rarely did I want someone to see through to what I really thought of them. Or maybe if I didn't like someone, I just didn't care enough to tell them, but I liked most people. My sense of humor, haha.

Lately, I'm trying not to be so sarcastic, since it may be construed as "mean-spirited", but sometimes, it's just too easy...

Coryne, non-friend: would-be boyfriend-stealer. Note that she was a girlfriend of a co-worker, not MY friend. I thought this was something that she attributed to any other woman that talked to her boyfriend, but sometimes it sounds like I was of special interest.

As related by my friend KN: C asked KN if she knew me because we'd grad from the same h.s. KN admitted to knowing me. C said that I was trying to steal her (then) bf. KN said "I don't think so." That didn't sound like something I would do. [I've always liked KN!]

And it isn't. Romelyn at WU thought of me the same as C, but nothing is farther from the truth. The truth is, I'm a spoiled, selfish, daughter-of-Asian-heritage (something like "son-of-a-gun"). I don't need yours, I WANT MY OWN MAN! Bottom line. I absolutely do not share; I didn't learn that concept in kindergarten, I'm not gonna learn it anytime soon. [Slow-learner]

C & R were definitely misinformed and biased against me.

From Shayna, friend: a good gift-giver. Well, I try. I suppose she's right, I just didn't realize it until she said it. Jules read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The five are Words of Affirmation; Quality Time; Receiving Gifts; Acts of Service; and Physical Touch. We can definitely rule out the first and the last. Jules concluded that I speak "Acts of Service." I count gift-giving as part of this. When you're on my "good-list" [tough to get on, tough to get off] there is nothing that I wouldn't do for your best interest (meaning: I'd give you a kidney, but I won't steal a horse for you). I would also give you anything if I could afford everything. Since I can't afford everything, I try to be very conscious to whom I am giving and of what I am giving. It's MY thought that counts. I'm not free with hugs, but I'll give you what else I can.

I also like Quality Time, though it would cut into my hermit-time.

Thought process: Shayna and Tony are both dear friends and married to each other (~15 months now?), and Christian. I got them a cross of love and a bookmark each, with scripture on it, and other little details to the package.

The Whatever Group, mixed: pure. I'm not the only one that would laugh at this description. Maybe of that group, you could say that I was THE goody-goody that...hadn't experienced a lot of things and didn't care to. I like being good. I'm not always good at it, but when I get something right, I'm proud of that.

In another group, we would consider D-girl to be the good one. Here's the thing, the WG used the word "pure" with having a negative connotation. In context, two girls, in our JR. year, B & J were talking about their past relationships. They were about to talk about "intimate" things when they noticed that I was within earshot and said that they'd better move away and talk because "Jennifer's too pure." And more examples from that group exists. They were saying that I wasn't a wanted member of the club.

"Pure," maybe, but not "Stupid." I'm not "Naive" about things in and of the world. I'm very much aware of what bfs and gfs do with each other. If I didn't want to hear descriptions, I would've moved myself away and did so at other times.

SUMMARY: Pure and a good gift-giver, I'll give weight to that. I wouldn't mind being called those things (with the right tone). Popular, I don't think about that, but I'd like to be liked. It's nice to be nice, isn't it? But bf-stealer, NEVER. Anyone who wants to tell me what else I am, feel free. You can call me "ridiculous"; just don't call me "stupid."